// modes
SUPER HELL MODE
// warning:  chaos will ensue.

tea for people
who mean it.

// enter your email for access to our message board below
// subscribed. expect nothing soft.
// product line — 002 blends
// no. 001
Morning Mayhem
Morning Mayhem
Irish breakfast,
vanilla bean.
$14.00
// no. 002
Green Static
Green Static
Sencha,
lemon myrtle.
$14.00
// field reports
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// rating
// fill in all fields and select a rating.
★★★★★
"Replaced my morning coffee. My coworkers are scared of me now."
— Dara K., Portland
★★★★★
"Green Static tastes like a server room smells. I mean that as a compliment."
— Marcus T., Brooklyn
★★★★☆
"Morning Mayhem is exactly what it says. Stained my zine. Four stars."
— Bex L., Austin
Mean Tea Co.Est. 2024
// shop
002 blends. nothing else.
// 001
Morning Mayhem
Morning Mayhem
$14.00
// 002
Green Static
Green Static
$14.00
// merch
gear for the mean.
// merch 001
Tee
Mean Tee
100% cotton.
Black. Angry.
$32.00
// merch 002
Mug
Mean Mug
12oz ceramic.
No motivational quotes.
$18.00
// merch 003
Tote
Mean Tote
Canvas. Heavy duty.
Unbranded back.
$24.00
// merch 004
Zine
Chaos Zine Vol.1
Hand-numbered.
Photocopied. 28pp.
$8.00
// about

Two blends.
No filler.
No apology.

Mean Tea is a two-product operation. We didn't build a brand. We built two teas we actually drink and made the bags look like they were photocopied in a basement. Because they were.

No seasonal editions. No wellness marketing. No soft fonts. If you want something that tastes like a corporation decided what calm should feel like, this isn't it.

// morning mayhem

Irish breakfast + vanilla bean. Dark enough to be a choice, smooth enough to not be a mistake.

// green static

Sencha + lemon myrtle. Sharp and clean. No ceremony.

Mean Tea Co. — Pasadena, CA — Est. 2024

Founder 01
// co-founder — creative

Replace with real bio. Talks too loud about tea at parties. Has opinions about kettle temperature that most people find unreasonable. Responsible for the art, the attitude, and the fact that the bags look like that.

Pasadena, CA — Est. since birth

Founder 02
// co-founder — operations

Replace with real bio. The one who figured out how to actually ship things. Drinks Morning Mayhem at volumes that concern everyone. Responsible for the fact that any of this works at all.

Pasadena, CA — Est. since birth

5,000 years of chaos.

Tea was discovered in 2737 BC when Chinese emperor Shen Nong had some leaves blow into his boiling water and decided that was fine. He was right. It has been fine ever since.

For most of its history, tea was currency, medicine, and the reason empires went to war. The British addiction to it was so severe they started growing opium in India to trade for Chinese tea — which did not go well for anyone. This is not that tea.

Irish breakfast tea — the base for Morning Mayhem — emerged from the British colonial tea trade and was blended strong to cut through the calcium in Irish water. It has always been aggressive. We kept that.

Sencha — the base for Green Static — is the most consumed tea in Japan, produced by steaming fresh leaves immediately after harvest to stop oxidation. Sharp and grassy. The exact opposite of being chill about things.

// sources: the entire history of human civilization

// meet the gang
// character roster — 002 known entities
THE MAYHEM HP 340
The Mayhem
TYPE ASSAULT STIMULANT
A feral breakfast entity of unknown origin. First sighted at 5:47am in a kitchen in Pasadena. Known to cause involuntary productivity, excessive opinions, and an unsettling feeling that today is going to be different. Threat level: HIGH. Containment status: IMPOSSIBLE.
Caffeine
92
Aggression
88
Smoothness
74
Chaos Index
99
Approachability
31
// signature moves
Morning Assault120 dmg
Vanilla Sucker Punch85 dmg
Involuntary Productivitystatus
Second Cup40 dmg x2
THE STATIC HP 280
The Static
TYPE PSYCHIC SHARP
A precision instrument disguised as a beverage. Operates at frequencies most humans cannot perceive. Has been described as "like thinking too fast" and "the tea equivalent of a cold stare across a crowded room." Origin: Kyoto. Motivation: unclear.
Caffeine
65
Sharpness
94
Smoothness
58
Chaos Index
67
Approachability
52
// signature moves
Lemon Strike95 dmg
Green Frequency110 dmg
Cold Focusstatus
Signal Jam75 dmg
// shop / 001
Product

Rating
Region
FormatLoose leaf, 50g
Stock
// cart
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your entire cart will now be
10% off at checkout. dick.
lol, gotcha.
Mean tea is still under construction.